The relationship between adults and the younger generation is sometimes quite painful and difficult. Ivan Turgenev described the problem deeply and in detail in the famous story "Fathers and Sons". Misunderstanding and resentment, a different view of things and the inability to compromise - this is what most families are faced with raising offspring. Despite the complexity of the situation, relatives can always establish contacts. The main thing is to have a great desire and try to apply the maximum amount of energy to such an important matter.
The main "family" periods
Communication between a teenager and parents
The main rule is to talk about everything. At the same time, try so that your words do not diverge from your deeds. They promised to return home at exactly 22.00 - nosebleeds, but come. Otherwise, you will lose the trust of adults. Be honest with the older generation, do not hide or deceive: being much more experienced, they can give good advice, for which you will only say thank you in the future. Children should respect their parents - especially at this age.
If in transition period problems usually arise on the basis of misunderstanding, then at an older age, their causes may be lack of interest in each other, a banal lack of time, a mismatch of points of view on the nature of things and people's actions. Therefore, adult children should know how to talk with their parents in order to achieve the desired harmony in a relationship:
- See your father and mother as they are - without false expectations. They are ordinary people with flaws.
- Learn to listen. Even if you hate TV shows, courageously survive the retelling of the next fragment. Your mom is crazy about him, so show tolerance: it is not known what you will look at in old age.
- Speak the same language. That is, try to put yourself in their place in this or that life situation.
- Realize that your parents need to communicate with you.
When you see that conflict is inevitable, give in. You are already wise enough to go for this little trick: agree with the opinion of the older generation, do it your own way. Continue to respect your father and mother: they gave you life, raised you - for this you need to love them and silently endure all their whims.
Mutual respect
Quite a lot has already been said about him. Now let's take a closer look at what is its essence. Psychologists state: respect is the main pillar, support, foundation on which your relationship with your parents is built. Features of human communication of different ages are fundamentally different: young people like to discuss new fashion items, popular gadgets, nightclubs, older people - politics and religion, food prices and their own illnesses. Often we do not want to hear about the difficult economic situation in the country: we face it every day, therefore, in our free time from work, we try to free our heads from unhappy thoughts. But if the father wishes to discuss inflation, keep the conversation going. Remember how as a child he taught you how to ride a bike or fishing - now it's your turn to please your dad.
The rules for communicating with parents also lie in your endurance when the older generation teaches you, patience - in case of criticism, equanimity - if opinions are diametrically opposite. Be polite and accurate, filter your statements, do not judge harshly and do not behave superficially - these qualities of communication are also very important in dialogue with loved ones.
Love
Sometimes it is the most basic among the kaleidoscope of other feelings and sensations. Don't make your parents feel less confident that you love them. Believe me, it is very difficult for them to realize that their baby has grown up and no longer needs help. Create the illusion that you really need their support: the daughter can consult with her mother about raising her grandchildren or preparing a new dish, the son has the right to contact his father if he quarreled with his wife or ran into trouble at work. A nice friendly conversation in a relaxed home atmosphere will make the older generation feel your love and deep affection.
The rules of communication between children and their parents are formed throughout their lives. But know: it's never too late to take the initiative. Even if your father was a tyrant, try to forgive him. Perhaps the Pope has long since repented, but is silent because of pride. Talk to him, hug him, tell him that you love. Of course, it's hard to forgive the offender, but it's worth trying. Letting go of childhood grievances, you will feel and
I would also like to address the older generation. Sometimes, even being experienced and smart, due to intolerance, self-confidence or ambition, they make elementary mistakes that destroy all attempts of a son or daughter to establish communication. To avoid this negative phenomenon, psychologists give the following recommendations:
- Do not be afraid to change your attitude towards the child, focusing on the degree of his maturity. Remember yourself in your youth: most likely, you acted and thought the same way.
- Accept the fact that the heir has become mature and independent. Build relationships on an equal footing.
- Stop controlling and criticizing. Give the child freedom: let him make decisions on his own, because he has his own point of view. Don't be afraid that he might be wrong - it's even helpful from time to time.
- Be friendly and kind. Think of meetings at school and the teacher's interactions with parents. So, your dialogue looks just as dry and formal if you don't show warm feelings.
Help if asked. But in no case do not meddle in the soul if they did not turn to you for advice. Just hug the child and pat him on the head, as in childhood: often such a manifestation of feelings is more important than any words.
When the relationship is good
How to determine that the rules of communication with parents have brought the desired result? It's actually very simple. The following points will be positive "bells":
- The mother or father does not irritate you. They are also glad to see you and do not feel discomfort from the dialogue.
- Self-confidence is formed during communication.
- You are able to trust, speak on an equal footing, as with a friend.
- Grievances are forgotten, instead of them love warms your soul.
- The desire to argue and conflict disappeared. You feel harmony and understanding.
The culture of communication and behavior is a simple alphabet. You can learn it: sit down and sort out your own inner world, put things in order there and put everything on the right shelves. In any case, you need to start with yourself, and only then involve the older generation. In this way, you can re-educate your own mother and father. They say that parents are not chosen. But who knows if this is really so. At the very least, you can definitely set the right rhythm for your relationship and paint it in new colors.
Have ideal family there are no perfect rules because such families simply do not exist. Although, of course, everyone has their own understanding of the ideal and we all strive for it. Today we will talk about the rules by which every self-respecting family should live.
If the schools taught disciplines that highlight the moments of family life, values and traditions, then the success of marriages would certainly increase. Young people entering into a sacred union often have no idea what kind of work it is.
We follow the rules
Married life must necessarily begin with truth and sincerity towards each other. Future spouses should be aware of their actions, be confident in the choice of the chosen one.
The family is a small society, which, in order to live in harmony, must establish its own small laws and respect them. The moral rules of the family include:
- recognition of each other as the highest value is necessary;
- disinterested care and love for the spouse;
- compassion and participation in the life of all family members, willingness to help and support;
- a conscious desire to contribute to the common good of the family;
- rejection of selfishness and focus on the interests of others.
The rules of communication and relationships in the family should be based on the recognition of the role of each family member. We all play social roles in one way or another. With parents, each of us plays the role of a child, at work we are colleagues, colleagues, at the institute - students. In the family, as in any society, certain "parties" are also assigned to us. The woman acts as a wife and mother. This means that caring for her husband and children is paramount to her. Respect for the spouse, the recognition that he is the head of the family, love and the desire to be one with him - this attitude should be seen by children. They are very observant, "fix" every word and copy their parents in everything. Therefore, they should show a worthy example.
The spouse, in turn, is obliged to get used to the role of a caring husband and father, a protector of people dear and close to him. A reverent attitude towards a woman, respect and admiration for her. In no case should 
to use physical force, not to mention the fact that such a "manner of communication" would be used in front of children. It's low, mean, and wicked.
Trust and respect between children and parents is very important. If a mother can become a faithful friend and counselor for her daughter, then many problems in upbringing can be avoided. And do not forget to instill in children the elementary rules of etiquette, which originate in the family. Respect for elders, culture of communication and behavior, rules of table etiquette - for all this, the child will surely tell you later: "Thank you!"
RULES OF CONDUCT FOR CHILDREN IN THE FAMILY
1. Honor your mother and father.
2. Show your parents attention.
3. Ask them about the past, about how they acted in a given situation.
4. Build trust, don't act like a guerrilla.
5. Show initiative, help parents in their affairs.
6. Show independence, and for this, seek help from your parents only in extreme cases.
7. Don't throw unfulfillable or difficult demands on your parents' heads.
8. Having constant assignments in the family, carry them out responsibly.
In a period of hesitation and doubt, it is useful to turn to the classics. The great humanist Comenius did not at all call for forgiveness and spontaneity. The enormous respect for the child was organically combined in his teaching with the same great exactingness.
The mother's school is the first six years of a child's life. But this term is only a guideline. One thing is important: it is necessary to prepare for school - it is the responsibility of the parents, to prepare psychologically and physically, intellectually and emotionally, developing positive motivation in the child and the joyful expectation of meeting a new life.
It is known that the problem of family and family upbringing in recent years has been more acute than ever: demographers, sociologists, culturologists, psychologists, teachers confirm the existence of a deep systemic crisis of the family.
Crisis condition modern family- a social problem that needs to be addressed and a social reality that needs help.
In the conditions of the crisis situation of the modern family, it is impossible to solve the problems of family education at the expense of isolated and episodic measures. The solution of the tasks put forward largely depends on the coordination of efforts and the unity of requirements for students, families, schools, the public, on the general pedagogical culture of parents and the whole society. The system of pedagogical support of the family and general education of parents is called upon to raise the pedagogical culture of the population, to improve family education.
Covering the main tasks and content of family education, it is necessary to equip parents with specific methods and techniques of educational work with children, taking into account the peculiarities of personality formation at each age stage, the specific educational means available to the family. The most effective means of upbringing in a family is the personal example of parents, their behavior, authority, the family's way of life, its way of life, traditions, intra-family relations, and the emotional and moral climate. Such categories as respect for the traditions of the family, for the mother, for the father, and for the older generation acquire a special role in this regard.
The style of upbringing in the family is determined by the predominance of certain methods of upbringing, however, it is necessary to take into account the age characteristics of children associated with the transition from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to youth.
Humanity develops and improves itself through the upbringing of children. This is the greatest of all human affairs.
You can only demand from others what you are able to give them and you give yourself.
Unfortunately, very often this simple truth is forgotten, especially at home, in relations with close relatives.
The ability to behave in a narrow family circle is an indicator of a person's good manners. There is no doubt that a family member who observes the rules of good manners at home is almost insured against all kinds of oversights in the environment of strangers, since he is used to watching himself and his behavior. It is not out of place to add to this that a well-mannered and gallant person enjoys the love and respect of those close to him.
Some people think that at home you can afford something that you will never allow in society; that at work it is necessary to observe all the rules of etiquette, and at home it is not necessary to show respect, courtesy, and courtesy to loved ones. Such a position, taken due to lack of understanding or due to insufficient education, ultimately turns family life to hell and sooner or later leads to the collapse of the family.
Because of the inability to behave at home and in society, there are no fewer divorces than on the basis of infidelity or drunkenness.
It is very important to understand to yourself that the observance of etiquette among the family is no less important and necessary than among friends and strangers.
Often, service and production failures result in rough treatment of loved ones, which over time turns into a habit of ripping off the accumulated evil on them.
A harsh word thrown in the heat of anger hurts your loved ones. And here it is necessary to note the deep error of those who hope for infinite understanding and forgiveness on their part. For the time being, relatives will try to treat the rudeness of a loved one with understanding, they will try to somehow justify him. But over time, non-observance of elementary etiquette in dealing with family members becomes intolerable, discord sets in in the family.
In general, the rules of good manners in relationships with loved ones require adherence to the same rules as in relationships with strangers.
For example, it is inadmissible to leave the bedroom unkempt, with disheveled hair. And even the period of the most intimate relationships does not justify the lack of good manners, politeness and courtesy.
It is very important to maintain tact in relations with parents, between mother-in-law and son-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
If the newlyweds are going to live with the parents of one of the spouses, they should be prepared for certain material and housing difficulties, and possibly for difficulties associated with communication and mutual understanding. All these nuances can cause many small grievances, quarrels and severe conflicts, which, in turn, can lead to the complete disintegration of the family.
As a rule, the cause of these quarrels and conflicts is women, since under one roof there are two housewives: a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law or a daughter and a mother - it does not matter, since usually the old mistress does not want to come to terms with the loss of the leading role in the house, and the young one - cannot give up his views on the structure of everyday life.
Thus, the apartment turns into a communal apartment, where two families live and where both housewives have equal rights, with the only difference that they are close relatives. In connection with this circumstance, the number conflict situations does not decrease, but increases. The mother or mother-in-law, as a loved one, considers it necessary to give the young mistress advice where an outsider would not notice any oversight. Usually elderly woman does this from the very "best of intentions, wishing to suggest, advise how to do better and more correctly, based on her own experience. She wants to feel useful to the newlyweds, to help them create strong family... Therefore, every rejected advice is a reason for resentment and quarrel.
Once the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau was asked what qualities a girl needs to create a normal and happy family... Russo replied:
"Beauty - 0, thrift - 0, education - 0, intelligence - 0, position in society - 0, money - 0, kindness - 1".
And then he deciphered his mathematical calculations as follows: for kindness of the heart - a positive quality - he set one. All other qualities, designated 0, are set next to one, respectively, tenfold by each new positive quality. Kindness and intelligence will give 10, if you add money to them, then there will be 100, etc. According to Rousseau, any of the qualities in itself does not mean anything, and only kindness carries value.
If you think about it, it's hard to argue with that. An unkind person cannot be respected in the family, in society. Human kindness is the fundamental principle of relationships between people, the main component of the etiquette of an educated person.
They say that if you want to be treated well, then you yourself must treat people the way you want to be treated. A simple idea in itself, but very accurate. You can only demand from the other what you are able to give him and you give yourself. This simple truth should not be forgotten anywhere and never. Unfortunately, she is forgotten. Especially at home, in relationships with close relatives, family relationships.
Family is seven “I's”.
For these reasons, people get divorced no less than because of adultery and drinking.
How to learn to master yourself?
There is an opinion that your family will understand and forgive you. And industrial failures, therefore, often end in rudeness at home, the habit of ripping off evil on loved ones. This is a deep misconception. A harsh word spoken by a loved one hurts not less, but more. Another thing is that they try to treat the rudeness of a loved one with understanding, somehow justify it. But this cannot go on indefinitely. Sooner or later, non-observance of the rules of good manners in the family becomes unbearable, family life cracks. That is why it is important to understand to yourself that the observance of etiquette at home is no less necessary than among friends or strangers.
Remember that a person only benefits from following the rules of good manners at home, gradually acquires good habits, forming a highly educated personality.
In essence, home etiquette requires adherence to the same rules as in dealing with strangers - at the table, on a walk, in conversation, when choosing clothes. So, it is unacceptable to leave the bedroom unkempt, untidy dressed. However, even in the period of the most intimate relationships, one should not forget about good manners.
How to build relationships with parents?
In relations with parents, it is important to remember: how you treat them now, so, years later, your children will treat you, because they see everything, remember everything. Although, of course, preference is given to parents in all situations, regardless of whether you have children or not. At the celebration at the festive table, they are given the most honorable place; in the car, father and mother sit in the back. Although there may be an exception, when the still young father gives way to a married daughter in the back.
What should a family conversation be like?
We have already said that a conversation in a raised voice between spouses is unacceptable. As a rule, nothing good comes of it. Any conversation should be conducted with the maximum benevolence, using the appropriate intonation for this. The elementary phrase “turn on the TV” without “please” sounds like an order and can offend, starting a quarrel. And if you add "dear" to these words, putting kindness and tenderness into it, then, we are sure, you will receive a grateful smile in return.
What if the quarrel could not be avoided?
A man (as, indeed, a woman) assesses the home environment primarily from the point of view of the atmosphere in the family: harmony and peace or endless conflicts and quarrels. Finding out the relationship is more tiring than the hardest physical work. Therefore, before starting a quarrel, decide for yourself how expedient it is, although there are no expedient quarrels. When starting a showdown, think about the consequences. Surely they are not worth exacerbating the conflict that has arisen.
In this case, one of the two must concede. They justly say: the one who is wiser is inferior. As a rule, the husband “surrenders” first, giving in to the onslaught of his wife. But here it is important to remember: the step towards reconciliation must be accompanied by gentle and affectionate words like "I'm sorry, my dear, I was absolutely wrong."
Such a request for forgiveness does not humiliate a man, but elevates him, because he does not show weakness, but wisdom and generosity.
This is important to remember, especially when you consider that most unhappy marriages are based on trifles, petty quarrels and resentments. By yielding to little things, you keep the main thing - peace in the family.
If you want to be happy, be it. What do you need to be happy?
Quite often, quarrels arise at the initiative of a woman who is trying to re-educate, remake her husband in her own image. This should not be done, especially in the presence of strangers. Your husband is an adult with his own habits, and you need to perceive him as he is, with his own merits and demerits, highlighting the former in every possible way and treating the latter condescendingly.
Dale Carnegie once wisely remarked, “If you want to keep your married life happy, don't criticize your partner. It is always easier to criticize than to notice and emphasize in a person the traits worthy of praise. "
Departure from this simple but wise rule is fraught with serious complications in family life.
The same Carnegie, a recognized expert in the field human relations, in his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, he cites the following fact:
“Mrs. Carnegie and I once dined with a friend of ours in Chicago. While cutting the meat, he did something wrong. I didn't notice this. And if he had noticed, he would not have attached importance.
This either does not forgive at all, or it is forgiven with great difficulty, because even the most tactful remark is also a blow to the partner's pride.
At the same time, it is useless to try to suppress irritation, not to pay attention to certain manifestations of bad taste. The negative attitude from this will only accumulate until it overflows the cup of patience, putting the family itself on the brink of disintegration.
What to do?
Try this: Make a list of your partner's bad habits that annoy you and that you find unacceptable for a well-mannered person, and ask him to make exactly the same list for himself.
Thus, without humiliating him, you will offer to do both of you self-education, self-improvement. We are sure that the result will be positive - who does not want to become better in their own eyes and those of others. After that, by the way, a tactful remark will be perceived quite differently.
Such a step, in addition, will contribute to the strengthening of the family itself - in your living together there was an additional goal, noble and high.
You can act differently. After hearing, for example, an incorrectly pronounced word, take a convenient moment and pronounce it correctly. Don't do it on purpose, in the context of the conversation. The spouse bites his nails - offer him scissors, justifying this by the fact that with their help he will cut them more evenly.
In each specific situation, you can find and specific ways fight bad habits. It is important to do this with a sense of tact. Otherwise, your own etiquette is lame, there are significant gaps in your upbringing.
How should you behave with relatives and friends?
We have already mentioned in passing the importance of observing etiquette in choosing clothes and when talking. And this applies equally to both the street and the house. Carelessness is simply unacceptable here, it indicates a lack of upbringing or education.
Naturally, no one wants to be branded as badly educated, and even more so, no one wants to be subjected to ridicule, just a disapproving glance.
The ability to behave with loved ones in a narrow family circle is a kind of measure of a well-bred person. After all, it is quite clear that if a man or a woman at home observes the rules of good manners, they are almost insured against an oversight when surrounded by strangers. This is understandable: they watch themselves, their behavior. To this we can add that a person who is well-mannered, gallant and enjoys much greater respect in the family circle, is a source of pride for his loved ones.
What are the features of behavior if there are two housewives in the house - a newlywed and a mother-in-law or mother-in-law?
This situation occurs quite often.
Not always, the newlyweds immediately after the wedding get the opportunity to live in their own apartment. Living together with the parents of a husband or wife often generates many conflicts, quarrels and petty grievances.
In most cases, women are the cause. The explanation is very simple: there are two hostesses under the same roof. Mother and daughter or mother-in-law and daughter-in-law - often does not matter. In any case, the old mistress does not want to give up her leading role in the house, but the new one also has her own view of the way of life, she wants to change something, remake, improve.
In fact, an apartment from an isolated one becomes a communal one, where two families live and where both housewives have equal rights, with the only difference that close people live under the same roof.
From this, however, the number of conflicts does not decrease, but increases. The mother or mother-in-law, on the rights of a loved one, considers it necessary to give the young mistress advice where an outsider would not notice an oversight.
The situation, as a rule, is not saved even by the fact that the young wife is studying (working) or the mother-in-law (mother) is sick. There is always time for criticism or discontent. And this is done out of the best intentions, from the desire to prompt, advise how to do it better and more correctly.
In doing so, an elderly woman wants to feel her usefulness to the young, wants to help them at first in creating a friendly and strong family. And every rejected advice is a reason for resentment and quarrel.
Life convinces: all misunderstandings cannot be avoided, but it is not only possible, but also necessary to reduce the number of conflicts. First of all, in accordance with the norms of etiquette, a young couple should in every possible way emphasize their respect for their mother-in-law (mother-in-law), showing concern for her. Any advice, even if you are not going to follow it, is accepted with gratitude. If there is a threat of conflict, the young should nip it in the bud. This behavior does not humiliate - it elevates a person as a person.
A lot, of course, in cohabitation with a young couple depends on the mother-in-law (mother-in-law).
What should be the etiquette in dealing with other relatives?
The reader may find this chapter superfluous. “What it says has not been observed for a long time,” he says. Perhaps he will be wrong. After all, to observe is one thing, but to know is quite another. We assure you: there will certainly be a moment in life when this knowledge will be useful to you.
when visiting a husband in the presence of other ladies, give preference to his wife. For this, he has a lot of other possibilities.
